Bein Adam LeChaveiro: Adoption and honoring parents
The creation of the world began with a single person, progressed to a couple, and from there to a family. This structure is the basis of all existence. As we saw previously, the family framework addresses various needs – parents (particularly the father) must provide for their children’s sustenance, education, and preparation for life. Respectively, the Torah commands children to show their parents reverence and honor and care for their needs when the time comes.
There are limits to both the parents’ obligations and that of their children. Parents are only obligated to feed their children until they reach a certain age. Children are mainly obligated to physically care for their parents; the financial expenses are not imposed on the children.[1]
However, where the formal obligations to care for one’s parents and children end – when a child reaches a certain age or a parent lacks financial means to provide for themselves – the mitzvah of tzedaka (charity) begins. Tzedaka begins within the home, ensuring family members ongoing care, even when there is no formal obligation. One should only look outside the family circle once they have ensured their family members are provided for (“the closer relative takes precedence”).
One who constantly gives tzedaka
Looking outward, a very special type of tzedaka involves transforming someone from outside into a member of the household. Taking an orphan (or someone whose parents cannot care for them) into one’s home is a unique honor.
Talmudic sources reflect an ambivalence regarding adoption. On the one hand, we have Rabbi Shmuel bar Nachmani’s statement:
“’Praiseworthy are those who do tzedaka at all times.’ But is it possible to do tzedaka at all times? Our rabbis of Yavneh explained, and some say it was Rabbi Eliezer: This refers to one who supports his sons and daughters when they are young.[2] Rabbi Shmuel bar Nachmani said: This refers to one who raises an orphan boy and girl in their home and arranges their marriage.”[3]
On the other hand, the gemara teaches: “Whoever raises an orphan boy or girl in their home, Scripture considers it as if they gave birth to them.”[4]
The relationship between adoptive parents and adopted children is somewhat ambivalent. On one level, the relationship between adoptive parents and children is a true parent-child relationship and it is ‘as if they gave birth to them.’[5] But on another level, the child is not the adoptive parents’ biological offspring and the relationship is one made from choice, as opposed to obligation, and is therefore defined as tzedaka.[6]
This duality regarding adopted children has other halakhic implications. Let’s begin with the other side of the equation of family obligations. We’ve seen that parents have obligations toward their children and children have obligations toward their parents. From the parents’ side, formal obligations exist only toward biological children. There are no formal obligations a parent must perform toward their adopted children, only the privilege of performing tzedaka and chessed (kindness).
What about the children’s obligations? Do adopted children have an obligation to honor their adoptive parents?
Honoring adoptive parents
Different explanations have been given for the commandment of honoring parents. Within the Ten Commandments, the mitzvah to “honor your father and mother” appears between the mitzvot that are ‘between man and God’ and those that are ‘between man and fellow man.’ So in addition to the social aspect of this mitzvah, some emphasize its close connection to the mitzvah of revering God.
The Talmud points out that the Torah uses parallel language to compare the mitzvot of honoring and revering parents and honoring and revering Heaven. Similarly, Rambam includes the laws of honoring parents in Hilkhot Mamrim, Laws of Rebels, which deal with rebellion against authority.[7] Others determined that the laws of honoring and revering parents stem from an obligation to show parents gratitude – both for bringing them into the world and for caring for them since birth.[8]
In the case of adopted children, the biological parents brought them into the world, and the adoptive parents raised them, and one could say that the obligations of honor and reverence should apply to all those involved in the process. Nonetheless, the Torah commands us to honor our parents regardless of what the parents did to ‘merit’ such honor and reverence.[9] Therefore, it seems that the obligation is based on the biological connection between parents and children.[10]
On the other hand, it’s not always possible to honor biological parents. Sometimes children do not know who they are. Even when their identity is known, it’s possible the parents waived their rights to receive honor and reverence when they gave the child up.[11]
One could further suggest, as we proposed earlier, that the Torah placed the responsibility for young children and elderly parents on close family members. Instead of viewing these obligations as ‘compensation’ for what was received, they should be seen as part of each person’s responsibility to care for those closest to them.
We can and should go beyond the basic commandments the Torah obliges us to observe for specific relatives, and see the family and home as a place to express additional Torah mitzvot and values. There is room to grow beyond the formal obligations, to act with tzedaka and gratitude, as the Chatam Sofer formulates: “There should be upon him a partial obligation of honor.”[12]
Furthermore, in addition to parents, the Torah commands us to show reverence towards those who teach us Torah. Often, much of children’s initial knowledge comes from the parents who raise them. Rambam further equates the two by using the example of a student serving their rabbi (master/teacher) to teach the mitzvah of honoring parents:
“And one accompanies them when they go out and come in, and serves them in other matters as servants serve their rabbi, and stands before them as one stands before their rabbi.”[13]
Perhaps the reverse is true as well – if adoptive parents raise and educate and teach Torah, they too, like the teacher, bring the child into the World to Come, and therefore deserve honor and reverence.[14]
[1] B. Kiddushin 32a; Mishneh Torah Hilkhot Mamrim 6:3; Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De’ah 240:5.
[2] And not ‘the very young,’ meaning beyond the age it is required.
[3] B. Ketubot 50a.
[4] B. Megilla 13a
[5] An extreme expression of this understanding appears in the words of Chochmat Shlomo (Even HaEzer 1:1) who determines that according to the Taz, wherever it says “as if,” there is a complete equivalence between the cases, even fulfilling the obligation of “be fruitful and multiply” through adopting orphans. Rav Melamed (Peninei Halacha, Simchat HaBayit V’Birchato, Chapter 8, Section 7) establishes that for these matters, it’s not specifically about an orphan from their parents, but anyone whose parents cannot raise them, as one of the examples brought in the Gemara is of Moshe Rabbeinu who was raised by Pharaoh’s daughter, despite his parents still being alive.
[6] See also Shemot Rabbah 45:6 that the Holy One, Blessed be He, has a special treasury for giving reward to those who raise orphans.
[7] See the discussions in B. Kiddushin 30b and onwards. Rambam, Hilchot Mamrim Chapter 6.
[8] See for example Sefer HaChinuch Mitzvah 33.
[9] See Meshech Chochmah Deuteronomy 5:16.
[10] It’s noteworthy that there is also no formal obligation to honor grandparents, even though they are also partially responsible for bringing this child into the world. Babylonian Talmud Sotah 49a states that even in the case of a grandfather who raised his grandchild, the grandchild is not formally obligated in the mitzvah of honoring him (see Rashi and Maharsha Chiddushei Aggadot there). Therefore, this is not an obligation that stems directly from gratitude for existence itself, and it becomes clear that it’s also not from gratitude for raising.
[11] If the child was removed from the home due to parental abuse, it’s possible that the child is exempt from the very fact that the parents are transgressing the words of Torah. Rambam rules that one is still obligated (Hilchot Mamrim 6:11), but according to Tur there is no obligation to honor a wicked father (Tur Yoreh De’ah 240). The Shulchan Aruch ruled according to the Rambam, and the Rema according to the Tur (Yoreh De’ah 240:18).
[12] Responsa Chatam Sofer Orach Chaim 164.
[13] Hilchot Mamrim 6:3.
[14] Compare Mishna Bava Metzia 2:11; Mishneh Torah Hilchot Talmud Torah 5:1.
