Bein Adam LeChaveiro: Honoring step parents and older siblings (Part I)
Growing up, my best friend’s family had a rule: if an older sibling asked a younger sibling to bring them something, the younger sibling had to listen. The older sibling wasn’t supposed to abuse this privilege, but it was enforced by the parents. Why? Because when they were older the tables would turn – once the older sibling got their license they would be ferrying their younger sibling around.
This family rule may have its roots in the mitzvah of “kibbud ha’ach ha’gadol” – “honoring the older brother/sibling.”[1] This mitzvah is introduced by way of the subject of honoring one’s stepmother and will leave us with several questions.
Beyond “honor your father and your mother”
In the past, we have discussed demands and limits of the mitzvah of kibbud horim, honoring one’s parents. But what about other people in the family?
The gemara relates that before Rabbi Yehuda HaNassi passed, he instructed his sons to continue certain household traditions after his death, beginning with: “Be careful with the honor of your mother.”[2] The gemara asks why this is necessary, as it’s already a Torah mitzvah (and should be more binding than a father’s last will), and answers that she was their stepmother. The gemara continues:
“A father’s wife is also a Torah mitzvah, as is taught in the beraita: ‘Kabed et avikha v’et imekkha,’ ‘Honor your father and your mother’ – ‘et avikha’ this is your father’s wife, ‘v’et imekha’ this is your mother’s husband, the extra vav (v’et) – to add achikha hagadol (your older brother/sibling).”[3]
The beraita expounds on the extra words in the commandment to honor one’s father and mother. The Torah uses the word ‘et’ twice, the beraita states this preposition is extraneous and meant to teach us to expand the Torah commandment beyond “father and mother” to stepparents, and even older brothers/siblings.
If this is already a commandment, why does Rabbi Yehuda HaNassi command his sons to honor their stepmother? The gemara concludes: “This statement [to honor stepparents] is only while [the biological parent] is alive, not after they die.” Since the mitzvah to honor one’s stepparents appears limited to the parent’s lifetime, Rabbi Yehuda HaNassi instructed his sons to continue to honor his wife, their stepmother, after his death.
This gemara raises several questions we must address to understand the mitzvah and its relationship to the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents:
- Is there really a Torah mitzvah to honor stepparents and older siblings? If so, does it have the same status as the mitzvah to honor one’s parents? And how are these obligations derived from “filler words” in the verse that commands us to honor our parents?
- Who is “achikha ha’gadol,” literally, “your older brother/sibling?” Hebrew does not have a non-gendered word for sibling, so does this only refer to older brothers or also older sisters? And is it referring to the “oldest” or anyone “older?”
- “These words [refer to the parents’] lifetime, but not after death.” Why are we only commanded to honor stepparents while the parent they are married to is alive? Is the mitzvah of honoring “achikha ha’gadol” also limited to the parents’ lifetime?
- How far does this honor extend? Does it include all the honors one must give to their parent? Does it also include the mitzvah of “ish imo v’aviv tira’u,” “a person must revere their mother and father?”[4]
Status of the mitzvah
While the gemara calls honoring one’s stepmother a “Torah mitzvah,” later rabbinic authorities challenge this view. Both Rambam and Meiri teach that these mitzvot are “midivrei sofrim,” (lit. “matters of the scribes”), but they seem to mean different things by this phrase.[5] When Meiri uses the term, he means that honoring stepparents and older siblings are rabbinic mitzvot. The gemara states that honoring a stepmother is a “Torah mitzvah” because it uses an “asmakhta,” support from a Torah verse. Rambam uses the term “divrei sofrim” only in reference to the older sibling:
“A person is obligated to honor the wife of their father even though she is not his mother, as long as his father is alive, because this is part of the mitzvah of honoring one’s father. So too, they honor their mother’s husband while their mother is alive. But after the parents dies they are not obligated. And midivrei sofrim a person is obligated to honor their older brother like their father’s honor.”
Rambam’s use of “divrei sofrim” is more complicated. He uses the term in relation to mitzvot like this, that are not explicit in the Torah but are derived by expounding on the Torah’s language. So, while some maintain these mitzvot have the same status as other rabbinic mitzvot, others explain mitzvot “midivrei sofrim” have the same status as Torah mitzvot or have a unique status between Torah and rabbinic.[6]
Kessef Mishna points out that Rambam only uses “midivrei sofrim” concerning the older sibling.[7] He explains that honoring stepparents is a “Torah mitzvah” limited to the parent’s lifetime, because it is included in the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents. Honoring a stepparent honors their spouse, treating them with disrespect is disrespectful to one’s parent. Honoring an older sibling has a different status, midivrei sofrim, since it is not an explicit aspect of the Torah mitzvah to honor one’s parents but derived from the letter “vav.”
Does this mean he maintains it is a unique mitzvah, separate from honoring one’s parents? If it is, does that mean it applies after one’s parents die?
Minchat Chinukh points out that Rambam differentiates between honoring stepparents and older siblings, because they have different reasons and different applications. Like Kessef Mishna, he believes honoring stepparents is part of the mitzvah of honoring parents. The Torah generally commanded us to honor our parents; the sages filled in the details of the Torah mitzvah. In Kiddushin they tell us the way we honor our parents is by giving them food and drink, clothing, and accompanying them; in Ketubot they tell us to honor their spouses.[8]
Chayei Adam disagrees with this reading. He agrees that the Torah mitzvah of honoring our parents also compels us to honor their spouses while they are alive but indicates that no specific rabbinic source is necessary to teach us this simple truth. The derasha that adds honoring our stepparents is actually a rabbinic mitzvah to honor them after our parents die.[9]
What about honoring the older sibling? Minchat Chinukh adds that Rambam differentiated honoring the older sibling because he believed it was an independent mitzvah, and one is still obligated after their parents’ death.
Ramban, on the other hand, says these mitzvot all have the same status and the same laws. Our parents want us to honor our elders – their spouses and our older siblings. Since it pains them to see us acting disrespectfully, we are obligated to honor all these people and all older siblings while our parents are alive, with no obligation after their death.[10]
How much must we honor older siblings?
Indeed, the questions about the instruction to honor older siblings are intertwined with the question of the reason for the law. Who must we honor and for how long depends on the reason we must honor them.
Minchat Chinukh notes that the Torah gave the sages the power to determine how the mitzvot of honoring parents is fulfilled. While the gemara says we are commanded to honor our older siblings, later rabbinic authorities rarely address the details of this mitzvah, and people don’t treat the older siblings with the same honor as their parents. He brings the example of not using the person’s first name. Interestingly, this is not part of the mitzvah of kibbud, honor, but rather that of yirat horim, reverence for parents.[11]
It therefore seems likely that Minchat Chinukh maintained the sages applied all the laws of honor and reverence to stepparents as well, but they did not have as high a bar when instituting the details of the mitzvah to honor older siblings. Indeed, it’s possible he thinks the details of the mitzvah are mostly non-existent.
Yet it’s also possible that the mitzvah to honor older siblings is part of the mitzvah to honor our parents, has most of the same laws, and continues after the parents’ death. Rabbi Daniel Tirani explains that we are commanded to honor the oldest brother, and only the oldest brother, because he will become the family patriarch after the father dies. Therefore, even though this mitzvah is an outgrowth of the mitzvah of honoring one’s father, it continues after the father’s death.[12]
The Chida disagrees. He maintains that the mitzvah is to honor all older siblings and continues after the parents’ death.[13] The mitzvah to honor our parents does not stop when they die, so why would these aspects cease?
Between these extremes are several other intermediate opinions. For example, Shulchan Arukh states that “after death there is no obligation to honor them [the parent’s spouse], but in any event it is proper to honor them even after [the parent] dies.”[14]
There are very practical questions attached to these theoretical discussions. Some were asked hundreds of years ago, such as: If honoring the oldest sibling is a rabbinic mitzvah, what happens if it is at odds with a Torah mitzvah like honoring Torah scholars? What if honoring one’s stepfather offends one’s father? Does one have to treat older siblings with reverence as well? And what about honoring grandparents?
Other questions are more recent: If the mitzvah to honor older siblings is not as clearly delineated, what does it look like today, when children struggle with the most basic aspects of revering parents, and even honoring them? Is it possible that the details and application of the laws of honoring parents, stepparents, older siblings, and other family members can change with the times?
In our next piece we will explore some of these questions, which will ultimately lead us to a more basic question: Why does the Torah command us to treat certain people with extra honor and reverence?
[1] Hebrew is a gendered language and the word “akh” can mean brother or sibling. We will see the different interpretations in the halakhic discussion.
[2] TB Ketubot 103a-b
[3] The Hebrew word ‘et’ can’t always be translated into English. In Hebrew it shows a relationship. Occasionally it means “with” or “to.” More often it is used to introduce an object. Kabed (honor) et (introduces the object/recipient of your honor) avikha (your father) v’ (and) et (introduces the object/recipient of your honor) imekha (your mother).
[4] Vayikra 19:3
[5] Meiri Ketubot Chapter 12; Mishneh Torah Hilkhot Mamrim 6:15.
[6] Kessef Mishna ibid; Minkhat Chinukh Mitzvah 33. Minchat Chinukh explains that Rambam uses the term “divrei sofrim” to refer to mitzvot that have the same status as Torah mitzvot, but are not counted in the list of 613 mitzvot because they are not explicitly written, but derived (using the 13 types of midrash).
[7] Ad loc.
[8] TB Kiddushin 31b
[9] Chayei Adam Kibbud Av va’Em 67:22
[10] Hasagot HaRamban al Sefer HaMitzvot Shoresh 2.
[11] TB Kiddushin 31b-32a
[12] Rabbi Daniel Tirani, Sefer Ikarei HaDat 26:7. He questions what the halakha is when the oldest sibling is not the one to continue the father’s legacy – because he dies or is unworthy; is there a mitzvah to honor the brother that assumes this mantle?
[13] Birkei Yosef Hilkhot Kibbud Av v’Em 240. He brings several proofs such as TB Avoda Zara 17a and the teachings of the Ariza”l, and claims this is also the opinion of other rabbis such as Ramban.
[14] Yoreh De’ah 240:21
