Bein Adam LeChaveiro: Shalom Bayit Part I
Early in Bereishit, the Torah tells us the importance of the connection between man and woman. When God created humankind we read: “[God] created them male and female,” and commands, “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.”[1] In the next chapter, God states “It is not good for man to be alone,” and creates a woman as an ezer k’negdo, a counterpart helper.[2] The Torah then states: “Therefore a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they will be as one flesh.”[3]
What is the significance of the connection between man and woman?
“And he will cleave to his wife and they will be as one flesh”
Some commentaries explain that “they will be as one flesh” refers to the children who are born as a result of the action “and he will cleave to his wife,” in fulfillment of the earlier command to “be fruitful and multiply.”[4]
Other commentaries see these phrases as parallel expressions of the intimate relationship between man and woman, a solution to the problem “it is not good for man to be alone.” Accordingly, the verse reflects both the physical connection between a man and a woman, as well as the interpersonal and social aspects of the relationship.[5]
It seems like these commentaries reflect two different understandings of intimate relationships between men and women. Such a relationship can be seen as a means to an end, fulfilling the practical purpose of childbearing, or it can be seen as an end unto itself, a way to provide for one another’s emotional and social needs, and complete one another.
The significance of couplehood
How is the significance of this relationship reflected in Jewish religious and halakhic life?
In the past, we approached this question by way of Torah views on marriage and physical intimacy. Today we will look at sources that express the significance of building and maintaining this partnership.
We noted that “they will be one flesh” may refer to the physical union of man and woman, or the child that results from that union. The same is true of the first part of the verse: “Therefore a man will leave his father and mother.” For the most part, when Chazal quote this verse, they do so in the context of childbearing and prohibited sexual relationships; because children should be born of permitted relationships, a man must “leave” his father and mother – look outside of his family members – to find a suitable mate.[6]
Later rabbinic sources use the verse to discuss the importance of the partnership between spouses. In the introduction to Even HaEzer, the volume that deals with family law, the Tur writes:
“When Adam saw her and knew that she was taken from him, he said ‘Therefore a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they will be as one flesh.’ As if to say: the correct thing is for this one to belong to Adam exclusively, and Adam to her. Accordingly, a man should love his wife as he loves himself, and honor her more than himself.[7] And have compassion for her and protect her, as he protects one of his own limbs.
“And she is obligated to serve him and to love him as she loves herself, because she was taken from him. Therefore, the Torah commands ‘He shall not withhold her sustenance, clothing, or conjugal relations.’[8] And there are many other commandments concerning the relationship of a man with his wife throughout the time they are together, until they separate, and many (rabbinic) enactments were subsequently established, and I decided to write a book of them.”
According to Tur, man is the center and woman was made for his benefit. Nevertheless, he maintains it is important for man to dedicate himself to his wife as she dedicates herself to him. While Chazal also advised couples to treat one another with respect, Tur adds that a husband should be particularly dedicated to his wife.[9]
As we will see in our next article, there was a longstanding custom for the
woman to leave her father and mother to join her husband’s family when she got married. Consequently, a woman is halakhically exempt from her obligation to honor her parents when it conflicts with her responsibilities to her new family.[10] On the other hand, a married man’s obligation to honor his parents remains in place; in order to fulfill his obligation he may need to live near his parents (as generally happened in the time of the Bible and possibly also that of Chazal).
What happens if a man has a conflict between familial responsibilities?
Based on the verse “therefore a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife” the Levush explained that there is room for leniency when a man makes a vow to live near his wife’s family, since this is also a Torah value. Even if this makes it more difficult for him to fulfill his obligation to honor his parents on a day to day basis, the vow does not directly conflict with his mitzvah and is therefore permitted.[11]
Shalom Bayit – Peace in the home
The concept of “shalom bayit” (peace in the home or domestic harmony) introduces another aspect to our question of the significance of the spousal relationship. Chazal explained that we can learn the importance of shalom bayit from the laws of a “sota” woman (a woman whose husband accuses her of being unfaithful):
“Rabbi Yishmael said: If [God said that parchment] inscribed with sacred text should be dissolved in water to make peace between a man and his wife….”[12]
The only way to quell the jealous husband’s suspicions and prevent them from destroying their relationship is for God to testify and restore peace between the two. Therefore, the Torah instructs a man who suspects his wife has been unfaithful to bring her to the Temple to undergo a supernatural test to discover whether she has transgressed. As part of the ceremony, the High Priest wrote the relevant Torah verses, including God’s name, on a piece of parchment, and put it in water to dissolve. The woman then drank this “mayim m’ararim,” water that would bring a curse upon her if she had been unfaithful.
Rabbi Yishmael taught that God waived His honor to make peace between husband and wife. Is this because of the specific importance of peace between spouses, or the more general value of peace?
Indeed, God’s willingness to forgo His honor to bring peace to a marriage is cited as a source for other practices. Rabbi Meir quoted this source to explain why he allowed himself to be disgraced to diffuse a situation between a married couple.[13] But it’s also brought as a source for the practice of disposing of heretical books that include God’s name; in this case, the honor of God’s name is disparaged to make peace between God and Israel.[14] Even though the relationship between God and the Jewish People is compared to the relationship between husband and wife, it seems that this source relies on the general importance of peace and harmony.[15]
The concept of “shalom bayit” and the significance of the spousal relationship comes up in other contexts as well. The gemara teaches:
“Rava said: It’s apparent to me that [when someone must choose between lighting] a [Shabbat] candle for the household and a Chanukah candle – the [Shabbat] candle for one’s household takes precedence, for shalom bayto (lit. the peace of his home). [If the choice is between] the [Shabbat] candle for one’s household and sanctifying the day (kiddush over wine) – the [Shabbat] candle for one’s household takes precedence, for shalom bayto.”[16]
What’s the connection between Shabbat candles and shalom bayit? Rashi explains:
“Shalom bayto… because sitting in darkness is distressing to members of one’s household… and where there is no light there is no peace, because one walks and stumbles and walks in darkness.”[17]
According to Rashi’s explanation, shalom bayit is not limited to the couple, it applies to the entire household. The light of the Shabbat candles allows the household to comfortably share their Shabbat dinner; enjoying the meals is also connected to oneg (delighting in) Shabbat.[18]
On the other hand, Meiri teaches that shalom bayit refers to a harmonious spousal relationship. He explains that the woman of the house is entrusted with the mitzvah of lighting Shabbat candles, and the household is unsettled when she is unable to fulfill her mitzvah. The light is necessary for oneg Shabbat, but it is the woman’s peace of mind that brings tranquility to the home.[19]
Rambam chooses to end Sefer Zmanim with a passage that connects the concepts of peace between spouses and peace in the household with the greater general value of peace:
“If someone has to choose between a Shabbat candle for their home and a Chanukah candle, or Shabbat candle and Shabbat kiddush, the light for the household takes precedence, because of shalom bayto. Since God’s name is erased to make peace between a husband and wife, peace is paramount, as the entire Torah was given to make peace in the world, as it says “Its ways are pleasant ways, and all its paths are peace.”[20]
This is just one of many times that the specific spousal relationship and general family interactions reflect the general values and demands of humanity at large. The relationship between a man and a woman is integral to “be fruitful and multiply” – choosing a permissible mate outside of one’s immediate family members and making a new family.
Just as we need a partner to fulfill this task, so too we must work together with others – counterparts and helpers – both to develop and “fill the world and conquer it” and to fulfill our individual needs for interpersonal and spiritual connections. “It is not good for a person to be alone.”[21]
As we have seen before, the family is primarily responsible for providing each member with sustenance and preparing them for life, but society at large also bears some responsibility, and the community should step up when necessary. Which leads to the conclusion that all are interconnected – a harmonious spousal relationship, a peaceful household, and peace in general are all integral to a functioning society and our goal of repairing the world.
[1] Bereishit 1:28
[2] Bereishit 2:18
[3] Bereishit 2:24
[4] Rashi ad loc.
[5] See Ramban ad loc.
[6] For example: Y. Kiddushin 1:1; B. Sanhedrin 58a.
[7] Yevamot 62b
[8] Shemot 21:10
[9] For example: B. Yevamot 62b; Sanhedrin 76b; Gittin 6b; Bava Metzia 59a. Both Rambam and Tur summarize the range of rabbinic advice for a healthy marriage. Tur ad loc; Rambam Mishneh Torah Hilkhot Ishut 15:17-20. (Rambam brings the advice in the context of sexual relations and fulfilling the mitzvah to be fruitful and multiply.)
[10] For example: Bava Batra 98b; Kiddushin 30b.
[11] Levush Yoreh De’ah 239:8 (The actual halakha appears in Shulchan Arukh, but the Levush adds an explanation based on the importance of a husband’s attachment to his wife.)
[12] For example: Tosefta Shabbat 13:5, Lieberman ed.; TB Shabbat 116a.
[13] B. Nedarim 66b; Y. Sota 1:4.
[14] Tosefta Shabbat 13:5; B. Shabbat 116a.
[15] For example: Masechet Derekh Eretz, Perek Shalom, Halakha 9; B. Sukka 53b.
[16] B. Shabbat 23b; Shulchan Arukh OC 263:3, 296:5.
[17] B. Shabbat 55b, s.v. “Hadlakat ner Shabbat.”
[18] See Tosafot Shabbat 25b, s.v. “hadlakat ner”; Rambam Hilkhkot Shabbat 5:1; Shulchan Arukh OC 263:2.
[19] See also Hagahaot v’Chiddushei HaRashash ad loc.
[20] Hilkhot Megilla v’Chanukah 4:14 quoting Mishlei 3.
[21] Rambam discusses different types of relationships, like Rambam on Avot 1:6.
