Kislev: On the Path of Love

Every shevet (tribe) corresponds to a month of the Jewish year and Binyamin corresponds to the month of Kislev (Bnei Yissaschar, Maamarei Chodesh Tishrei 1:2). What links Binyamin to Chanukah, celebrated at the end of the month? Interestingly, while the word חנוכה stems from the word to dedicate (see for example Bamidbar 7:10), related to the rededication of the Beit Hamikdash on Chanukah, the word also shares etymology with the word chinuch, education. How shall we teach the next generation?  Some of the lessons in Mishlei teach (first part of 22:6):  לַנַּעַר עַל פִּי דַרְכּוֹ חֲנֹךְ – Educate according to the interests, desires and talents of the youth (Malbim), and trust that in any of life’s paths, it is possible to know God, and He will pave the way (Mishlei 3:6).

 

Everyone Has His or Her Path

With the passing of Rachel Imenu, Binyamin was born (Bereishit 35:19). She passed away baderech- on the way- and so too, he was born baderech, each symbolizing a process that is not yet complete. Rachel prays for and reminds future generations as they go into galut, distanced from the makom HaShechinah, that Hashem is still with them in exile (Yirmiyahu 31:14-16, Midrash Eicha Patichta 24). The exile from our land is not the end of the story. Rachel has come to symbolize all mothers, for it is ultimately in her merit that all of the tribes were born. Likewise, Binyamin may symbolize all of our children, born baderech, traversing their distinctive paths in this world.

No matter how seemingly distant a youth might seem, Hashem is with him or her and no one can predict how that journey will evolve. This is alluded to in the blessing given by Moshe Rabbenu to the tribe of Binyamin. Binyamin is told (Devarim 33:12): לְבִנְיָמִן אָמַר יְדִיד ה’ יִשְׁכֹּן לָבֶטַח עָלָיו חֹפֵף עָלָיו כׇּל־הַיּוֹם -Beloved friend of Hashem, he rests securely with God who protects him all day, always. While understood as referring to a resting place for the Shechinah in the Beit Hamikdash, which was predominantly in their nachalah (tribal inheritance), it can be seen as a general blessing of Divine love and protection.

Every soul comes into the world with its unique path to traverse. Hakadosh Baruch Hu (God), father, and mother are partners (Niddah 31a) in creating and raising a child. Trust in the third partner, The Creator, and have emunah in the journey of the soul (Rav Tiomkin).

 

Feel the Love

We learn through Binyamin what every child, teen and young adult needs. When Yehuda approaches Yosef in Egypt, he explains why they are hesitant to bring Binyamin to Mitzrayim. He says, “…and our father loves him…and his soul is bonded with his soul (Bereishit 44:20,30)”. In בסור המלאכים, a book on parenting teens, Rav Don Tiomkin writes extensively about the potency and significance of parents connecting to their teenagers with love, relying on this very phrase, וְנַפְשׁוֹ קְשׁוּרָה בְנַפְשׁוֹ. This paradigm of parental love is revealed to us in the Torah via a reference to none other than Binyamin.

Rav Tiomkin references various Torah scholars who recall kind words spoken to them by a father or fried treats made to pamper them by a mother and the memories remain sweet for many decades. Friendship (ידידות) becomes the key parental approach for raising teens (Boser Hamalachim, pg.18). The parents learn from Hashem, to see their child as a yedid (see Devarim 33:12, above). In Boser Malachim, parents are encouraged to offer love, genuine interest, and minimal criticism, if any, citing Rav Shimon Teichner as advising for every spoon of criticism or rebuke, add ten buckets of love (pg. 186). The cords of love (Hoshea 11:4) and joy are often the glue to bond a family together.

 

Enjoy the Flames

Chanukah is a time to strengthen the positive energy in the home, as the mitzvah is emphasized as נר איש וביתו (Shabbat 21b), an obligation on the family to add light to the home. Rav Tiomkin talks about the importance of the home being a place of warmth where good food, praise, and love are flowing, and music that everyone can enjoy together is playing.

 

During the eight nights of Chanukah we sing that the lights before us are holy, and we have no permission to use them for our benefit:

וְכָל שְמוֹנַת יְמֵי חֲנֻכָּה הַנֵּרוֹת הַלָּלוּ קֹדֶשׁ הֵן,

וְאֵין לָנוּ רְשׁוּת לְהִשְׁתַּמֵּשׁ בָּהֵן, אֶלָּא לִרְאוֹתָן בִּלְבָד

Our task is to observe the beautiful dancing flames and praise Hashem for all His miracles and salvation. In the song, הילדים הללו, Hanan ben Ari compares these flames to our children. He sings, based on the above prayer – that we have no permission to be disappointed by our children – ואין לנו רשות להתאכזב מהם or to criticize or manipulate them for our benefit.  Our singular job as parents of maturing children is to love them- רק לאהוב בלבד.

 

Every child, teenager, and young adult, is

A dancing, beautiful flame to be cherished.

A holy soul on a unique derech.

A yedid Hashem, like Binyamin, beloved and precious.