Drinking on Purim and Shalom Bayit Rabbanit Debbie Zimmerman

In a previous English teshuva we addressed a woman’s mitzvah to drink on Purim, and there we dealt with the general question whether there’s a mitzvah to drink alcohol on Purim. Therefore, we will suffice here with a brief recap of the discussion of the obligation before moving on to this specific question:

Short overview of drinking on Purim

Whether there’s a mitzvah to imbibe wine or alcohol on Purim is itself a rabbinic debate. Even those who rule there is a mitzvah to drink debate the extent of the mitzvah. As this is at the very most a rabbinic mitzvah there are clear exemptions for people with physical or mental illnesses that make drinking unsafe or unhealthy, based on the rule “the rabbinic decree did not include the sick.”

The gemara in Megillah brings Rava’s statement, “A person is obligated to become intoxicated (li’bisumei) on Purim until they don’t know (ad d’lo yada) [the difference] between cursed is Haman and blessed is Mordechai.”^[1] It continues to relate that one year Rabba and Rabbi Zeira celebrated together, Rabba got drunk and killed Rabbi Zeira. The next day he prayed and Rabbi Zeira came back to life. The following year Rabbi Zeira turned down Rabba’s Purim invitation since, “Miracles don’t happen every day.”

This aggadic story has been taken at face value and allegorically. The rabbis compare embarrassing someone and making them go pale as the blood rushes from their face to bloodshed; so some interpret the story to mean Rabba embarrassed Rabbi Zeira, and had to fix it the next day. Maharsha explains that Rabba made him drink so much he got sick and almost died. These interpretations lead some halakhic authorities to view this story as a rejection of Rava’s statement, or at the very least, a mitigation.^[2] Others note that Rabbi Zeira does not overtly criticize the drinking, he’s only hesitant that this year he won’t be resurrected. Therefore, Rava’s opinion that one must get intoxicated on Purim stands.^[3]

Shulkhan Arukh quotes Rava verbatim, but doesn’t explain what this entails. The issue is that those who accept Rava’s statement as halakha still differ on several issues:

1. Does this refer to an obligation or a voluntary mitzvah?
2. Does li’bisumei mean the same thing as li’hishtaker – to get drunk, or is it less extreme – intoxicated or merely tipsy?
3. Do we understand “ad d’lo yada” literally, a loss of mental faculties, or does it have a different meaning?
4. Does “until they don’t know” include the situation of “they don’t know” (ad v’ad bikhlal) or is it “up to and excluding when they don’t know” (ad v’lo ad bikhlal)?

According to Tur a person is obligated to get drunk (l’hishtaker), but Rema and Mishna Berura both teach that one fulfills the mitzvah by drinking a bit more than usual and sleeping.^[4] According to others like Rabbeinu Efraim there is no obligation to drink wine or spirits on Purim, only to rejoice with a festive meal.^[5]

Sefat Emet suggests another option – one is obligated to rejoice on Purim, and that rejoicing can include alcohol, but if one gets to the point of loss of faculties – “ad d’lo yada” – they are no longer fulfilling the mitzvah.^[6] In other words, “ad d’lo yada” is not the minimum to fulfill the mitzvah but rather the maximum, up until that point one fulfills the mitzvah, beyond it one does not.

Shalom Bayit considerations

Shalom bayit – peace in the home and specifically peace between spouses – is considered an essential value. It is a major consideration in determining another halakhic question concerning another rabbinic mitzvah, Chanukah candles. The gemara teaches that if one doesn’t have enough money to buy candles for both Shabbat and Chanukah they should buy Shabbat candles. The gemara explains that the reason we light Chanukah candles is to publicize the miracle; Shabbat candles, also a rabbinic mitzvah, are for shalom bayit, and shalom bayit is more important in this case.

This does not mean that there’s a general rule that shalom bayit supersedes positive rabbinic commandments. Firstly, there is no precedence for such a general rule and I am certainly not qualified to decide there is. Secondly, we do not prize the general concept of shalom bayit over the mitzvah of lighting Shabbat candles, but rather a rabbinic mitzvah whose reason is shalom bayit is chosen over a rabbinic mitzvah whose aim is to publicize a miracle.

Nevertheless, regarding your question, the halakhic consideration of shalom bayit should, in my opinion, tip the scale to rule according to those who minimize or eliminate the obligation to imbibe on Purim. Your wife’s concerns are not meant to prevent you from fulfilling your rabbinic duty, but rather urging you to follow the rulings of many great halakhic authorities, such as Orkhot Chaim, quoted in Beit Yosef: “The obligation for a person to become intoxicated on Purim is not to get drunk, because there is an absolute prohibition against drunkenness, and there is no greater sin than this since it leads to prohibited sexual relations and bloodshed and several other sins. Rather [the mitzvah] is to drink a bit more than one does regularly.”^[7]

Your wife’s concerns are not contrary to the Torah, but rather align with rabbinic concerns that the general prohibition against drunkenness is not superseded by the mitzvah of simcha on Purim, that someone who is drunk is liable to transgress and demean themselves or others, cause physical or mental harm, desecrate the Name of God, damage the children’s chinukh (education to follow the Torah) and so on…

Sha’arei Teshuva brings a similar consideration from Siddur Amudei Shamayim:

“When his father was young he would fulfill the statement [of Rava] at face value, but someone who has a delicate nature (or gets drunk and foolish to the point they may say or do improper things ) should not drink any more…”^[8]