Family mishloach manot Rabbanit Debbie Zimmerman

The mitzvah of mishloach manot is to send two food items to another person celebrating Purim. As we will see, there’s some debate if one fulfills the mitzvah if a family member sends on their behalf, if a married couple may send together, and if children still living at home are obligated.

There is definitely halakhic room for giving as a family, so rest assured that you have not neglected the mitzvah in years past. Nevertheless, the optimal form of the mitzvah is for each individual to send at least one personal mishloach manot, and any more than that may be given jointly. If this seems strange to you, we will see a few alternatives.

The mitzvah of mishloach manot

Megillat Esther relates that after the spontaneous celebrations that followed the Jewish People’s salvation from their enemies Mordechai sent letters to the people telling them to celebrate the 14^th and 15^th of Adar every year: “To make them days of feasting and joy, and man sending portions to his fellow, and gifts to the poor.”^[1] The megillah continues to describe how “the Jews fulfilled and accepted upon themselves and their descendants and all who join them to observe them…”

Rambam rules: “A person is obligated to send two portions of meat or two types of cooked foods or two types of food to his fellow, as it says, ‘and sending gifts from a man to his fellow.’ And anyone who sends more to friends is praiseworthy.”^[2] Shulchan Aruch quotes Rambam with minimal changes. Rema adds: “A woman has the same obligation as a man for matanot l’evyonim and mishloach manot. A woman should send to a woman and a man to a man…”^[3]

Are women obligated to send mishloach manot?

Based on the Talmudic statement that women are obligated in megillah since “indeed, they were included in the miracle,” most poskim (halakhic authorities) rule like Rema that women are likewise obligated in all the other mitzvot of Purim – mishloach manot, matanot l’evyonim, and seudah.^[4] Pri Chadash disagrees, learning from the phrase “a man (ish) sending portions to his fellow” that the mitzvah is unique to men.^[5] Yaavetz refutes this claim. Based on textual proofs and clear tradition he demonstrates that women are obligated in the mitzvah of mishloach manot as well as all other mitzvot of Purim.^[6]

How could Pri Chadash claim women are not obligated based on a drasha (expounding on a biblical verse) that contradicts both widespread tradition and halakhic rulings?

Perhaps Pri Chadash was not contradicting tradition but trying to explain it. Magen Avraham states that even though women are obligated “I have not seen that they are meticulous observing this.” As these men were contemporaries, albeit in different locations, it’s possible that Pri Chadash was troubled that women were not giving mishlochei manot and his exemption was meant to absolve them of wrongdoing.^[7]

Magen Avraham took a different approach to this contradiction between halakha and practice. He suggests that it’s possible married women rely on their husbands to send “to multiple people” on their behalf, and only widows are obligated to send as individuals (or any unmarried woman with her own household or money).^[8] Yet while this may be sufficient to fulfill the obligation, he does not endorse married couples giving together and rules that irrespective of common practice, one should be stringent and women should send their own.

Other poskim offer similar explanations that do not absolve women from their obligation but admit there may be practical constraints. Shvut Yaakov points out that women are clearly obligated, but they may have been unable to fulfill that obligation.^[9] Until recently women rarely worked or owned property; the halakhic and societal reality was that a married woman was dependent on their husband’s support and may not have been allowed to spend money without his permission.^[10]

It seems that these technical issues may be the reason a few poskim rule that women aren’t obligated to give mishloach manot. Still most poskim rule that women are obligated and don’t address the issue of financial dependence; like Rema they simply rule that women are obligated. Some quote Magen Avraham and agree that even if she can fulfill her obligation through her husband, a woman should be stringent and send her own.^[11] Those that do address the issue of a financially dependent woman, such as Kaf Hachaim, suggest that a woman can ask her husband’s permission or can exchange mishloach manot with another woman, thereby fulfilling her obligation but not spending money.^[12]

Are children and dependents obligated to send mishloach manot?

Many of the arguments preferring mishloach manot sent by individuals are even stronger when applied to children and other family members. Chatam Sofer explicitly connects the issues raised by a married woman’s financial dependence on her husband to the situation of other financial dependents.^[13]

There’s a halakhic category of people who are not financially independent called “samukh al shulkhan akher” – “they sit at another’s table” – i.e. they are supported by someone else, live in that person’s home, and eat their food. Many halakhic adults can be considered financially dependent, perhaps most common are children after bar and bat mitzvah who still live in the family home.

Eshel Avraham says that some people in this category are lenient and do not give mishloach manot based on the reasoning that only someone who prepares food for their own seudah is obligated to give to others.^[14] It seems that this is another case of explaining common practice while not endorsing it, as he concludes this reasoning needs further investigation. Furthermore, he rules that for chinuch (educational) purposes, children who haven’t reached the age of majority should give mishloach manot, even though they don’t have to give matanot l’evyonim, since they don’t have their own money.

Most poskim don’t mention an exemption for “samukh al shulkhan akheirim.” A few specifically say they are obligated, just as they are obligated to do other mitzvot that involve money.^[15] Nowadays, when many children and teens have their own money to spend there is no doubt they are obligated.

Chatam Sofer posits that the dispute surrounding the obligation of “samukh al shulkhan akheirim” may depend on the reason we give mishloach manot.^[16] There are two main reasons found in the poskim. Manot Halevi explains that mishloach manot foster peace and affection; to rectify the truth in Haman’s claims that “there is a nation that is scattered and separated” we perform practical actions that unify us.^[17] Terumat Hadeshen states that, similar to matanot l’evyonim, mishloach manot are given to ensure that everyone has what they need for seudah so they can properly rejoice.^[18] Chatam Sofer adds that this saves poor people who are reliant on these gifts from embarrassment.

There are several practical differences between these opinions. For example, the latter allows sending mishloach manot anonymously, since the focus is on the recipient’s needs, but the former would not, as this would not increase affinity between the giver and receiver. Additionally, Chatam Sofer claims that the former could excuse people who don’t have the means to make their own seudah from providing for someone else, while the latter would not since each person must do their part to spread affection and camaraderie. Rav Tzvi Pesach Frank explains that this is the reason Aruch HaShulchan rules that someone who is traveling doesn’t fulfill the mitzvah if their family sends mishloach manot on their behalf.^[19]

Ultimately, Chatam Sofer’s son, Ktav Sofer rules that one should keep both goals in mind when sending their mishloach manot, as they are not mutually exclusive. Our mishloach manot should ensure that everyone can enjoy a plentiful seudah with dignity and strengthen our bonds with our fellow Jews.^[20]

Sending as a group

The question of sending mishloach manot as a couple or family can also be examined through the lens of the goal of mishloach manot.

If the goal is to send food to enhance Purim seudah then a married couple and even family should be able to send mishloach manot together, as long as they are careful to send sufficient food to sufficient recipients. Meaning if a couple sends only one mishloach manot to another couple, as long as that package has 4 portions of food (2 portions of 2 different foods) they have fulfilled their obligation. Alternatively, a family of 5 could send 5 packages with 2 portions each. Indeed, Rav Moshe Harari in Mikraei Kodesh brings this as the opinion in the name of Rav Shlomo Zalman Aurebach.^[21]

If the goal is to increase affinity, it’s unclear if sending with others accomplishes this as well as sending individually. Rav Eliezer Melamed thinks it does for couples, so they can give 2 mishlochim and fulfill the mitzvah.^[22]

While one may rely on these opinions, the language of the megillah and halakha indicates that it is preferable to send at least one individual mishloach manot “from a man to his fellow,” or a woman to her friend. This language is even more striking when compared with that of the mitzvah of lighting Chanukah candles, “a candle for a man and his household.” On Chanukah, when mehadrin (better, optimal) forms of the mitzvah are fulfilled by each family member lighting for themselves, many husbands and wives have the custom to light together. As opposed to mishloach manot on Purim, there is not much written halakhic discussion opposing this joint fulfillment.^[23]